Live According to You

I’ve hit many standstills on my path to finding myself. Many of them came from me comparing my life to others and thinking that the things that worked for other people would work for me. It took this past year for me to realize how illogical that was.

There is something that I have had on my heart to address not only for myself but for those who look at  my life

Many who know me know the hesitations I had with moving out on my own and it had nothing to do with fear: it had to do with the belief that had been instilled in me that you should not live with someone who is not your husband. I hit so many walls because, in my heart, I did not feel marriage was my next step however, moving was. After all, I was just newly a girlfriend and the thought of instantly skipping that and transitioning to wife did not seem logical especially considering I did not even know who I was yet. I had people tell me that that did not matter; all that mattered to God was that I was married and all those other things would sort themselves out.

So I prayed to God nonstop, asking Him to help me sort out my confusion; after all, He made me. I had pictured in my mind having a rushed wedding so that I was favored and every time I thought it, it did not feel right. This was weird to me considering clearly I love my boyfriend with all my heart but my gut would not let me accept the thought.

I have learned now that what was happening in that moment was my true self fighting against who I was taught I had to be. My true self is an explorer that takes chances all the while seeking growth and change. I gravitate towards the things that give me the opportunity to learn and help others and moving out was that opportunity for me. Yet here I was being told that before I explore, I had to do something that went against my current nature and that bothered me.

Who I am being is not denouncing God’s words or saying that I do not believe in them. In fact, my relationship with him now is stronger than ever. But what I do know is that there are just certain situations that present themselves in a person’s life where you have to prove your faith in God by just leaving, even if all the roads are not paved. You just have to take the leap and know that they will be and that is what I did because that is life.

And we will get married. I do not know when but I know that that is in God’s plans for us. And at our wedding, our families will come together and celebrate with us our triumphs and revelations in our journey through life and we will reflect on these times as necessary for leading us where we are. I am confident of that.

So my words of advice are this: there is nothing wrong with following in someone else’s footprints as long as at some point you stop and start some footprints of your own. I am not advising anyone who may have this same dilemma to go ahead and move in with their boyfriend/girlfriend because my path is not everyone’s path and we are not all meant to be prototypes of one another. Our footprints should be as unique as our fingerprints: no one’s should be the same. We are all individuals. Many of the things that work for other people will not work for you and if you have people telling you otherwise, they are wrong because that is how how humanity was designed to exist.

So in conclusion, in this past year I’ve found that the key to finding yourself oftentimes includes being alone with yourself. Who would you be if the very people who helped shape you as a person were not around? What if no one was guiding you towards the life they felt you should live? Who would you be? We live in a society where there are thousands of singers, writers, musicians, doctors, lawyers, etc and in the midst of it all, we are plagued with the task of not only choosing from those professions but also to make ourselves stand out within and it is daunting. However, you HAVE to find yourself within it all, even if it means going against the mold and forming your own. You owe that to yourself.


Operation: Texas!

Ok, so an explanation (and a blog entry!) is long overdue! So let’s get right to it: I am moving to Texas next week! Contrary to what I may have led some people to believe with my abrupt Facebook post, this was not at all a rushed decision. Towards the beginning of this year, my boyfriend and I realized we share a common issue: here we are, young adults with degrees, who have been unable to find jobs that make us feel like our expenses in higher education were worth it. So we began to look for a place that had 1) a lower unemployment rate (because the ones in New York and New Jersey are disheartening) 2) a place that had a lower cost of living and 3) a place that had a creative atmosphere. Texas came up as being a place that offered all those things.  So we began to apply for jobs just to test the odds. Within a month and a half, we began to hear back from jobs. So the prospects already seem a bit more promising. Enough for both of us to want to see where it leads. And that’s basically it.

It seems so strange that the explanation is so simple yet I have taken so long to write this entry. To be honest, I had a few different drafts of what it would sound like. It wasn’t until one of my drafts hit the three-page mark that I realized I was no longer just telling my story, I was trying to get the people that may think I am insane to understand me; to somehow tell me what I was doing was right. I was trying to plead with those who think I am “living in sin” for living with my boyfriend outside of marriage; I was trying to get people who know nothing about me aside from my relatives to not think I was setting myself up for failure; I was writing as if I was on trial. My writing was less of an oration and more of a plea for approval. A lot of things are not set in stone but I can’t shake this feeling that though that may be the case, I NEED to do this.

For too long I have sat back and tried to plan every detail of things and never have any of those plans held up with the test of time. So I am just doing it. I said goodbye to fear a while ago and I will continue to do whatever it is in my power to make sure it stays buried. For the first time in my life, I am embracing not knowing. I am letting go of trying to get people to understand me and putting into practice the faith I was taught to have for all these years.

So my final words are this: I am walking by faith and not by sight. I do not have to see my home yet to know that I will have one. I do not need to see my great paying job to know I will have one because the Lord promised me that if I delight myself in him, he will give me the desires of my heart and this move is my proof of my love and trust in him. And even if I have to struggle for a bit then I fully embrace it because it is a part of my journey and my growth. If you want something, you have to be willing to go out and seek it even if the end is not in sight. So stay tuned!