– Of Life & Love –
When I sat down to type this entry, I had every intention of it being a rant; in fact, it was…right before my computer randomly shut off without me saving a single word of it. So I’ll take that as my sign from God to use my gift of writing to do what I do best instead: inspire. Today, however, is going to be a different type of entry because instead of my writing to inspire everyone else, I am writing to inspire myself.
Guys, life is hard and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Life takes you down these unfamiliar twists and turns, all the while pulling out parts of yourself that you never knew existed before: some of which you like, others of which you hate. But the funny thing I am learning about life is that you have to see both of those sides to grow. I have been the most selfish, loving, incorrect, caring, vulnerable, confident, insecure person I have ever met in my life in these past eight months [living in Texas] and I can’t even sit here long enough to explain to you how or why that makes sense. But it does.
There are days when I am on cloud nine; proud of the steps I have taken and the places I have been. But then there are those days when I look and realize that I am losing sight of myself and those days are scary. Have you ever tried to remain the beacon of hope for all when you feel like there is no light left to shine?
The even harder part is that I am sharing this journey with someone; someone who has a journey of their own to fulfill outside of me being there. And it gets hard for both of us at times; trying to keep sight of our mission when our individual vulnerabilities cause us to slow each other down; when our own personal stresses hinder us from giving 100% of our emotion and time; when our roads briefly lead us away each other, but we have to remember to stand side by side.
It gets so easy to pull the “you don’t understand” card. We each have this voice in the back of our heads comparing the intensity of our struggles to one another as if struggle is broken down into categories. Whether he is fighting a battle in school or I am fighting a battle at my job, we are both doing just that: fighting. But when emotions are high, it is easy to see the one you love as an opponent rather than your teammate. And we say these things in the heat of the moment, things our consciences try desperately to keep us from saying. But it is too late. Our consciences are trapped behind a wall that our emotions have built around it.
However, the worst feeling of all is when our emotions are subdued; that wall breaks down and our consciences are left to clean up the remains of the battle. I think those thoughts hurt the most; the ones that assess the damage and try to see if they are repairable. The answer never seems to reveal itself….well immediately anyway.
Guys, love is only a fragment of the struggles I have embarked upon in life; the struggle of finding yourself trumps all. There is no greater challenge than weeding out the voices around you and trying to listen to the voice that God gave you before you knew anyone else. That remains my focus first and foremost. That is my priority and I will not change that.
So here I am, sitting at my computer at seven in the morning, unsure of my next move. Right now, I am acknowledging that the man I love and I are on different missions: mine more spiritual, his more carnal. The Bible tells me this will not last, for to be unequally yoked is to be destined for failure. But I see it this way:
If a beacon from a lighthouse chooses to beam its light inland before it leads the lost ship to shore, what purpose does it then have? I mean, what good is it to hide that light, better yet, to chose where to shine it? I see him as the captain of that lost ship at sea, drifting further and further away…until he sees a light. The light he’s prayed for. The light that saves him. Come to think of it, the light I was starting to think didn’t mean anything. But he sees it and praises me for helping him find where he is meant to be. And that feeling is powerful. That feeling of purpose. You can’t shake it. It makes you keep going. It makes you keep pushing.
And now? He strives to shine with me. Soon, his lighthouse will be next to mine. Who knows, maybe it’ll stand even taller, I don’t know. But what I do know is that our lights will shine together, at least that is what I feel.