I’m not sure about a lot of things in my life. In fact, there are many things that I question. Like for starters: Am I doing the right thing?
I listen to the wisdom-inspired voices my elders lecture me about time and how precious it is to wait for things. But then I listen to the adventurous voices of my peers, that tell me that life is short and to live everyday as if it is your last (or, as my generation pegs it, YOLO). So I guess another question is: which voice do I listen to? Or even better yet: which voice is right?
I started to think that perhaps there is no such thing as right and wrong but rather what is you and not you.
For a while, drawing that conclusion made me feel like I had figured things out. But in reality, I had simply created an entirely different realm of questions for myself, including the deeper, most important question: who am I?
As a young adult, I am entering a world in which I am unfamiliar with; one in which I have been told about but never really experienced. In this world, I have been faced with situations and ultimately made decisions I would have never thought for I’d make. None bad, just…different; different from what I had been taught was the best thing to do.
This leads me to my story.
As many of you may or may not know, I have a boyfriend for the first time in 22 years. Why? Because I made a decision to do something that was entirely and completely outside of my comfort zone…
Before I continue, I guess I should give a backs story. I met a guy who was unlike anyone I’d ever met before. He was kind and even went out of his way to be social and get to know not only me but, everyone he met. He had the ability to make a person feel special not by simply talking to them but genuinely caring about what they said.
I was one of those people he enjoyed talking to. In our conversations, I discovered that a lot of his thoughts mirrored mine. Though different in the aspects of how we were raised or what we enjoyed doing or listening to, we managed to find commonality in the areas that actually mattered. His views on life and how he believed it should be lived patterned mine down to the letter. And despite different religious practices, he saw God in a way that could put faith into any unbeliever. His mind drew me closer to him.
My encounter with him was on route to being temporary and, at one point, I had accepted that. See, we both were employed as counselors at a summer camp which was to last no more than two month. In his presence, I had originally written him off as a guy I’d compare other guy to because I had this mind set that I did not want a relationship until I was more independent. It wasn’t until he had to leave camp early that I started to realize how much temporary was not what I wanted.
With his absence came a void. I did not know of anyone I could connect with that way again and that thought alone made me restless (literally!). I convinced myself that missing him meant nothing and was simply my mind reflecting on things that would make me feel better (which I now realize made no sense whatsoever lol). Though I had his number, the thought of calling him or texting him just seemed desperate.
But after two days of my thoughts eating me alive (and the fear of never hearing from him again approaching), I decided not only to call him but to also tell him that I really missed him. I remember pacing around Wal-Mart beforehand talking with my cousin Je’Meda on the phone while simultaneously including my friend Becca (who was with me) into the conversation. I was not nearly as dedicated to shopping as I was getting my thoughts out to two people I was use to talking to. The conversation consisted of everything from “I’m not calling him, that’s desperate” to “…but I really want to talk to him!” [Side note: I’m not bipolar, just a female lol]. After an hour of talking in circles, I forced myself to do it: I called a guy I liked.
The call went better than I pictured it in my head. In my mind, he would think I was a total weirdo for calling and tell stories about me to his friends back home. I was nervous about the call initially but hearing his voice helped me realize something I had forgotten in the midst of my cranial chaos: this guy was not just a guy I liked, he was my friend! It was, in all honesty, one of the easiest conversations I could have ever had. There were no fumbled words or awkward silences. He had made me laugh through most of it and made me realize just how much I had, in fact, missed talking to him.
From then on, we began talking any chance we could. Most of my nights off consisted of talking to him for hours outside of the camp’s gymnastics building. Naturally, when camp ended, we made plans to see each other. He lives 3 hours away from me and, for the life of me, I did not think he would be willing to come that far just to see me. Little did I know, I was wrong. If I totaled up all the hours he’s spent driving to come see me, I’m pretty sure he’d qualify for some sort of boyfriend of the year award (I’ll look it up babe lol).
Fast forwarding to now, Shamus and I have been together for a little over two months. He later told me that that phone call I made gave him the confidence he needed to continue to reach out to me and ultimately led us to where we are now. I rewind back to that day and try to imagine what would have happened had I let fear get the best of me. The experience made me realize how much fear had held me back. So in these two months, I have done more than I’ve known I was capable of because he has motivated me to follow my dreams and continue to do what makes me happy.
I guess the point I am trying to make in this entry is to not be afraid to do something. I learned there is no harm in stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing something that terrifies you. Even if the outcome is not one you want, at least you can say you did it. Fear is merely an illusion that holds us back and hinders us from becoming the people God intended for us to be.
And to think this all started with a phone call…